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My earliest recollections of things sexual are of what I think must own occurred some time between my age of five, and eight days. I tell of them just as I recollect them, without attempt to fill in what seems probable.

She was I suppose my nurse. I recollect that she sometimes held my little prick when I piddled, was it required to do so ? I do n't lie with. She attempted to root for my propuce back, when, and how often I know not. But I am clear at seeing the pecker tip show, of feeling pain, of yelling out, of her soothing me, and of this occurring more than once. She comes to my memory as a shortish, fattish vernal female and that she often felt my prick.

One day, it must have been late in the good afternoon, for the sun was low, but shining -- how unknown I should recollect that so clearly -- but I have always recollected sunshine. -- I had been walking out with her, toys had been bought me, we were both carrying them, she stopped and talked to some men, one caught clutch of her and kissed her, I felt frightened, it was near a coach stand, for hackney coaches were there, taxi were not then known, she put what toys she had on to my manus, and went into a house with a man. What household ? I do n't have it off. Probably a public-house, for there was one not far from a coach pedestal, and not far from our family. She came out and we went home.

Then I was in our house in a carpeted room with her ; it could not have been the baby's room I know, sitting on the level with my toy dog, so was she ; she played with me and the plaything, we rolled over each other on the level in fun, I have a recollection of having done that with others, and of my father and mother, being in that way at times with me playing.

She kissed me, got out my dick, and played with it, took one of my manpower and put it underneath her apparel. It felt pugnacious there, that 's all, she moved my lilliputian hand violently there then she felt my cock and again anguish me, I recollect seeing the red tip appear as she pulled down the prepuce, and my crying out, and her quieting me.

Then of her being on her back, of my striding across or between her branch, and her heaving me up and down, and my riding cock-horse and that it was not the first time I had done so ; then I fell flat on her, she heaved me up and down and squeezed me till I cried. I scrambled of ! of her, and in doing so, my hand, or foot went through a drum, I had been drumming on, at which I cried.

As I sat crying on the trading floor besides her, I recollect her naked legs, and one of her deal shaking violently beneath her petticoats, and of my having some vague notion that the cleaning lady was ill, I felt timid. All was for a moment tranquility, her handwriting ceased, still she lay on her back, and I saw her second joint, then turning round she drew me to her, kissed me and tranquillised me. As she turned round I saw one side of her bottom, I leant over it and put down my face on it, crying about my broken membranophone, the evening sunbeams made it all bright, it had at some time been raining I recollect.

I expect I must have seen her cunt, as I sat beside her raw thigh. Looking towards her and crying about my broken brake drum, and when I saw her hand moving no doubt she was frigging. Yet I have not the slightest remembrance of her twat, nor of anything more than I have told. But of having seen her naked second joint, I am certain, I seem often to cause seen them, but can not feel certain of that.

The left affair is, that whilst I early recollected more or less clearly what took place two or three twelvemonth later on, and ever afterwards, on sexual subject ; and what I said, heard, and did, and nearly consecutively, this my first anamnesis of dick, and cunt, escaped my memory for full twenty years.

Then one day talking with the married man of one of my full cousin, about infantine incidents he told me something which had occurred to him in his childhood ; and suddenly, almost as quickly as a magic lantern throws a icon on to a paries, this which had occurred to me came into my nous. I have since thought over it a century times, but can not recollect one circumstance relating to the adventure more than I have told.

My mother had been giving advice to my first cousin about nanny. They were not to be trusted. `` When Walter was a little fellow, she had dismissed a lousy fauna, whom she had detected in detestable practices with one of her tiddler, '' what they were my mother never disclosed. She hated indelicacies of any sort, and usually cut curt allusion to them by saying, `` It 's not a subject to talk about, let 's talk of something else. '' My cousin told her hubby, and when we were together he told me, and his own experiences, and then all the circumstances came into my creative thinker, just as I have told here.

I could not, as the reader will hear, thoroughly uncover my cocksucker tip without pain, trough I was sixteen twelvemonth old nor well then when quite clay unless it went up a cunt. My nursemaid I expect thought this curious, and tried to remedy the erroneousness in my make, and suffer me. My mother, by her extremely delicate impression, shut herself off from much knowledge of the humanity, which was the reason why she had such implicit belief in my virtuousness, until I had seen twenty-two geezerhood, and kept, or nearly so, a French harlot.

I imagine I must make slept with this nurse-maid, and certainly I did with some female, in a way called the Taiwanese way, on score of the color of the wall papers. I recollect a female person being there in bed with me, that I awoke one morning feeling very hot, and stifled, and that my header was against flesh ; that flesh was all about me, my sass and scent being embedded in hair, or some matter scrubby, which had a hot peculiar odour. I have a recollection of a dyad of hands suddenly clutching, and dragging me up on to the pillow, and of day then. I have no recollection of a word being uttered. This incident I could not long have forgoten, having told my first cousin Fred, of it before my father died. He used to say it was the governess. I suppose, I must give birth slipped down in my slumber, till my principal laid against her belly, and cunt.

Some years afterwards when I got the smell of another fair sex 's cunt on my fingers, it at once reminded me of the odour I had under my olfactory organ in the bed ; and I knew at a flash, that I had smelt pussy before, and recollected where, but no more.

How long after, I have no approximation, but it seems like two or three twelvemonth, there was a dance in our mansion, several relations were to stop the night with us, the planetary house was full phase of the moon, here was bustle, the shifting of bed, the governess going into a handmaid 's room to kip, and so on. Some distaff full cousin were amongst those stopping with us ; going into the drawing-room suddenly, I heard my mother saying to one of my aunt : `` Walter is after all but a child, and its only for one dark. '' Hish-hish both said, as they saw me, then my mother sent me out of the room, wondering why they were talking about me, and feeling odd, and annoyed at being sent away.

I had been in the habit then of sleeping in a room, either with another bed in it, or close to a room leading out of it, with another bed, I can not think which ; I used to call out to whoever might stimulate been there when I was in bed : for being cautious, the door was kept open air for me. It could not have been a man who slept there, for the men handmaiden slept on the ground-floor, I have seen their beds there.

The Night I speak of, my bed was taken out, and put into the Chinese theme elbow room, one of the housemaid who helped to move it, sat on the pot and piddled ; I heard the rattle, and as far as I can think it was the first clock time I noticed anything of the sorting, tho I recollect well seeing char putting on their stockings and feeling the second joint of one of them just above her genu. I was kneeling on the floor at the clock time, and had a trumpet, which she took angrily out of my paw soon afterwards, because I made a noise.

I recollect the terpsichore, that I danced with a improbable Lady, that my mother contrary to custom as it seems to me, put me to bed herself, and that it was before the dance was over, for I felt angry and tearful at being put to bed so early. My mother closed the curtains quite tightly all round a small four post bed, and told me, I was to lie quietly, and not get up till she came to me in the morning ; not to mouth, nor undo my curtains, nor to get out of bed, or I should disturb Mr. and Mrs. -- -- -- who were to log Z's in the big bed ; that it would make them angry if I did. I am almost certain she named a ma'am and her hubby, who were going to quell with us ; but ca n't be sure. A man then frightened me Thomas More than a woman, my female parent I dare say sleep with that.

I dare say, for it was the Lapp the capital part of my life, that I went to kip directly I laid down, usually never awaking till the morning. Certainly I must have gone fast asleep that night ; perhaps I had had a lilliputian wine-colored given me, who knows ; I have a sudden knowingness of a light, and take heed some one say, he is debauched asleep, do n't lay down a stochasticity ; it seemed like my mother 's voice. I rouse myself and hear, the circumstances are unusual, the room strange, it excites me, and I rise on my knee joint, I do n't know whether naturally, or cautiously, or how ; perhaps cautiously, because I fear angering my mother, and the gentleman, perhaps a intimate instinct makes me odd, though that is not probable. I have not in fact the slightest innovation of the actuating motive, but I sat up and listened. There were two females talking, laughing quietly, and moving about, I heard a rale in the pot, then a relief, then again a rale and knew the audio of piddling. How long I listened, I do n't cognise, I might have dozed and awakened again, I saw lights moved about ; then I crawled on my knee joint, with fear that I was doing wrong, and pushed a little aside the curtains where they met at the bottom of the bed. I recollect their being quite tight by the tucking in and that I could not easily make an opening to cheep through.

There was a missy, or young woman with her back to me, brushing her hair, another was standing by her, one took a night gown off the electric chair, shook it out, and dropped it over her fountainhead, after drawing off her chemise. As this was done I saw some ignominious at the rear end of her belly, a fearfulness came over me, that I was doing wrong and should be punished if found looking, and I laid down wondering at it all, I fancy I again slept.

Then there was a shuffling about, and again it seems as if I heard a noise like piddling, the spark was put out, I felt agitated, I heard the adult female kiss, one say hish ! you will wake that brat, then one said listen, then I heard kisses and breathing like some one sighing, I thought some one must be ill and felt alarmed and must then own fallen asleep. I do not know who the woman were, they must suffer been my cousins, or young ladies who had come to the terpsichore. That was the beginning time I recollect seeing the hair of a cunt, though I must have seen it before, for I recollect at fourth dimension a female person ( most likely a nanny ) pedestal naked, but do n't think noticing anything total darkness between her second joint, nor did I think about it at all afterwards.

In the sunrise my mother came and took me up to her room, where she dressed me, as she left the room, she said to the female person in bed, they were not to speed up, she had only fetched Wattie.

But all this alone came vividly to my idea when, a few years after, I began to talk about fair sex with my cousin, and we told each other all we had seen, and heard, about females.

Until I was about twelve years old I never went to school, there was a governess in the sign of the zodiac who instructed me, and the early shaver, my father was nearly always at home. I was carefully kept from the grooms and other men handmaid ; once I recollect getting to the stalls yard and seeing a entire saddle horse a female horse, his prick go right out of sight in what appeared to me to be the mares bottom, of beginner appearing and calling out `` What does that boy do there, '' and my being hustled away. I had scarcely a boy acquaintance excepting among my first cousin, and therefore did not learn as a good deal about intimate thing, as boy early do at schools. I did not know what the entire was doing. I could have had no impression of it then, nor did I think about it.

The next matter I clearly recollected, was one of my male person full cousin stopping with us, we walked out and when piddling together against a hedge, his saying : `` register me your cock, Bruno Walter, and I will show you mine. '' We stood and examined each others peter, and for the kickoff clip, I became conscious, that I could not get my prepuce easily back, like early son. I pulled his backwards and forwards. He hurt me, laughed and sneered at me, another boy came and I think another, we all compared tool, and mine was the lone one which would not unskin, they jeered me, I burst into tears, and went away, thinking there was something ill-timed with me, and was ashamed to shew my cock again, then I set to play earnestly to try to pull out the foreskin back, but always desisted fearing the pain in the ass, for I was very sensitive.

My cousin then told me that girls had no turncock, but only a hole they piddled out of, we were always talking about them, but I do n't retrieve the word cunt, nor that I attached any salacious idea to a girl 's piddling gob, or to their putz being flat, an construction heard I think at the same period of time. It remained only in my mind that my cock and the girl 's hole were to piss out of, and nothing more, I can not be certain about my age at this time.

Afterwards I went to that uncle 's family often, my cousin Fred was to be put to school, and we talked a enceinte deal more about female child'cocks which began to interest me much. He had never seen one he said, but he knew that they had two holes, one for bogging and the other to piddle from. They sit down to wee-wee said he, they do n't piddle against a wall as we do, but that I must get known already, afterwards I felt very curious about the matter.

One day, one of his sisters left the room where we were sitting, she is going to spend a penny, he said to me. We sneaked into a bed room of one of them one day, and gravely looked into the pot to see what piddle was in it. Whether we expected to feel anything dissimilar from what there was in our own bedroom pot, I do not have it off. When talking about these things my cousin would twiddle his cock. We wondered how the piddle came out, if they wetted their legs and if the hole was near the bum cakehole, or where ; one day Fred and I pissed against each others cocks, and thought it first-class fun.

I recollect being very singular indeed about the way young woman piddled after this, and seeing them piss became a taste I have kept all my life. I would take heed at the bed room threshold, if I could get near them unobserved, when my mother, sister, the governess, or a servant went in, hoping to hear the rale and often succeeded : it was accompanied by no intimate desire, or idea, as far as I can remember ; I had no cockstand, and am indisputable, that I then did not have it away that the woman had a trap called a cunt, and used it for fucking. I can retrieve no idea of the form, it was bare oddment to know something about those, whom I instinctively felt were made differently from myself. What sort of a hole could it be I wondered. Was it large ? Was it round ? Why did they squat instead of pedestal up, like men, my curiosity became intense.

How long after this the following took place, I ca n't say, but my putz was bigger. I have that impression very distinctly.

One day, there were people in one of the sitting rooms, where my female parent and father were I do n't know ; they were not in the room, and were most likely out. There were one or two of my first cousin, some youths, my big sister and one brother, besides others, our governess, and her babe, who was stopping with us, and sleeping in the same room with her. I recollect both going into the bed room together, it was next to mine. It was evening, we had sweet wine, cake, and snap-dragon, and played at something, at which all sat in a rope on the story. I was very delicate, it nearly sent me into fits, we tickled each early on the storey. There was much fun, and noise, the governess tickled me, and I tickled her. She said as I was taken to bed, or rather went, as I then did by myself, `` I 'll go and tickle you. '' Now at that time when in bed, a retainer, or my mother, or the governess took away the light, and closed the door ; for I was still frightened to get into bed in the dark, and used to call out, `` Mamma, I 'm going to get into bed. '' Then they fetched the brightness, they wished to stop this timidity, often scolded me about it, and made me undress myself, by myself, to cure me of it.

I expect the other children had been put to bed. My female parent keeping all the young ones in the room near her. The nursery was also upstair, my room, as said, was next to the governess.

When in bed, I called out for some one to put out the lightness, up came the governess and her babe. She began to tickle me, so did her babe, I laughed, screeched, and tried to vibrate them. One of them closed the door and then came back to tickle me. I kicked all the clothes off, and was nearly naked, I begged them to abstain, find their custody on my naked flesh, and am quite sure, that one of them touched my incision more than once, though it might have been done accidentally. At shoemaker's last I wriggled off the bed, my night-gown up to my axilla, and dropped with my naked bum on to the base, whilst they tickled me still, and laughed at my wriggling about, and yelling.

Then what induced me, heaven alone knows ; it may give birth been what I had heard about the piddling-hole of a woman, or curiosity, or instinct, I do n't know ; but I caught grasp of the governess'leg as she was trying to get me up on to the bed again, saying, `` that will do, my honey boy, get into bed, and let me take away the Inner Light. '' I would not ; the early gentlewoman helped to rise me, I pushed my hired hand up the petticoats of the governess, felt the hair of her cunt, and that there was something warm, and moist, between her second joint. She let me fell on to the floor, and jumped away from me. I must experience been clinging to her thigh, with both deal up her petticoats, and one between her thighs, she cried out loudly -- oh !

Then slap-slap-slap, in quick succession, came her helping hand against my nous, `` You ... rude ... bad ... boy, '' said she slapping me at each intelligence, `` I 've a respectable mind to narrate your mamma, get into bed this flash, '' and into bed I got without a word. She blew out the light, and left the way with her baby, leaving me in a abominable funk. I scarcely knew that I had done wrong, yet had some vague belief, that feeling about her thighs was punishable ; the soft hairy place my handwriting had touched, impressed me with wonderment, I kept thinking there was no cock there, and felt a variety of delight at what I had done.

I heard them then talking, and laughing loudly, thru the partition. `` They are talking about me, oh if they tell mamma, oh ! what did I do it for ? '' Trembling with fear, I jumped out of bed, opened my doorway, and went to theirs listening ; theirs was ajar, -- heard : `` right up between my thighs, felt it ! he must have felt it ; ah ! ah ! ah ! would you ever have thought the little wolf would have done such a affair. '' They both laughed heartily. `` Did you see his little thing ? '' said one. `` Shut the threshold, it 's not shut ; '' -- breathless I got back to my way, and into bed, and laying there, heard them through the divider roaring with laughter again.

That is the inaugural time in my lifetime, I recollect passing an all but sleepless night. The dread of being told about, and dread at what I had done, celebrate me wake up. I heard the two women talking for a farseeing time. blend with my dread was a admiration at the hair, and the soft, moist look, I had had for an wink, on some percentage of my bridge player. I knew I had felt the hidden theatrical role of a female, where the pee came from, and that is all I did think about it, that I know of, I have no anamnesis of a salacious sensation, but of a curious sort of delight only.

It must take been from this meter, that my curiosity about the female manakin strengthened, but there was nothing sensual in it. I was fond of hugging, for my mother remarked it ; when a female cousin, or any female kissed me, I would throw my blazon round them, and keep on kissing. My aunt used to laugh, my mother corrected me, and told me it was rude. I used to say to the handmaid, snog me. One day I heard my godfather say : `` Walter knows a moderately young woman from an ugly one does n't he ? ``

I had a dread of meeting the governess, at breakfast, watched her, and saw her gag at her sister, I watched my mother for some days after, and at length said to the governess, who had punished me for something. `` Do n't tell mama. '' `` I have nothing to secernate about, Walter, '' she replied, `` and do n't cognize what you mean. '' I began to tell her what was on my thinker. `` What 's the fry talking about, you are dreaming, some stunned boy has been putting affair into your point, your pop will thrash you, if you talk like that. '' `` Why you came and tickled me, '' said I. `` I tickled you a short when I put your light out, '' said she, `` be tranquillity. '' I felt stupified, and suppose the thing must stimulate passed away from my brain for a time, but I told my full cousin Fred about it afterwards. He thought I must have been dreaming, and I began to wonder if it really had occurred, I never thought much about it until I began to recall my childhood for this history.

I must consume been twelve years old, when I went to an uncle 's in surrey, and became a come together friend of my cousin Fred, a very devil from his rocker, and of whom much more will be told : before then I had only seen him at intervals. We were then allowed, and it seems to me not before that clock time, to go out by ourselves. We talked boyish baudiness. `` Ai n't you gullible, '' said he, `` a lady friend 's hole is n't called a cock, it 's a cunt, they fuck with it, '' and then he told me all he knew. I do n't think I had heard that before, but ca n't be sure.

From that time a new power train of ideas came into my head word. I had a vague estimation, though not a belief, that a cock and cunt, were not made for pissing only. Fred treated me as a simpleton in these matters, and was always calling me an ass ; I have quite a terrible recollection of my inferiority to him, in such things, and of begging him to instruct me. `` They make children that way, '' said Fred. `` You come up and we will ask the old nursemaid, where fry come from, and she 'll say 'out of the parsley-bed ,'but it 's all a lie. '' We went and asked her in a casual sort of way. She replied, `` the parsley-bed, '' and laughed. The nursemaid at my house told me the same, when I asked afterwards about my mother 's last sister. `` Ai n't they liars ? '' Fred remarked to me, `` it comes out of their cunts, and it 's made by fucking. ``

We both desired to see women piddling, though both must have before seen them at it often enough. Walking near the market-town with him just at the fringe, and looking up a side-road, we saw a pedler adult female squat down and piss. We stopped inadequate and looked at her : she was a short-petticoated, thick-legged, middle-aged woman ; the piss ran off in a copious stream, and there we stood grinning. `` Be off, be off, what are you standing grinning at, yer dam 'd immature fools, '' cried the charwoman, `` be off, or I 'll heave a stone at yer, '' and she pissed on. We moved a few steps back, but keeping our face towards her, Fred stooped, and put his head down. `` I can see it coming, '' said he jeeringly. He was rude from his infancy, bold in baudiness to the utmost, had the impudence of the Satan. The flow ceased, the cleaning woman rose up swearing, took up a big flint and threw it at us. `` I 'll differentiate on yer, '' she cried. `` I know yer, wait till I see yer again. '' She had a large handbasket of crockery for sale, it was put down in the main-road at the slant ; she had just turned round into the position lane to piss. We ran off, and when well away, turned round and shouted at her, `` I saw your slit, '' Fred bawled out ; -- she flung another gem. Fred took up one, threw it, and it crashed into the crockery, the char began to furrow us, off we bolted across the athletic field home. She could not pursue us that way ; it was an consequential day for us. I recollect feeling full of envy at Fred 's having seen her cunt. Though authorship now, and having in my intellect 's eye, exactly how the woman squatted, and the way her petticoats hung, I am sure he never did see it ; it was brag when he said he had, but we were always talking about girls'cunts, the desire to see one was swell, and I then believed that he had seen the pedlar woman's.

Then one of Fred 's fellow traveler showed us a bawdy pic, it was coloured. I wondered at the cunt being a long form of cut, I had an idea that it was round, like an arse-hole. Fred told his protagonist I was an ass, but I could not get the musical theme of a cunt, not being a round hole quite out of my capitulum, until I had fucked a cleaning lady. We were all anxious to get the picture, and tossed up for it, but neither I nor Fred got it, some other boy did.

Soon after that, Fred came to stop with us and our talk was always about women 's privates, our rarity became intense. I had a little sister about nine month old, who was in the nursery. Fred incited me to look at her snatch, if I could manage it. The two nurse came down in tour, to the handmaiden dinner. I was often in the nursery, and soon after Fred 's mesmerism, was there one day, when the erstwhile nurse said : `` full point here, master Walter, while I go downstairs, for a couple of proceedings, Virgin Mary ( the other nurse ) will be up directly, and do n't make a racket. '' My little sis was lying on the bed asleep. `` Yes, I 'll wait. '' John L. H. Down went nurse, leaving the door open ; quick as lightning, I threw up the baby 's clothes, saw her niggling dent, and put my finger quite gently on it, she was laying on her back most conveniently. I pulled one leg away to see wagerer, the small fry awakened and began crying, I heard footsteps and had barely time to pull down her dress, when the under nursemaid came in. I only had a momentaneous glimpse, of the exterior of the little quim, for I was not a minute in the room with the child by myself altogether, and was fearful of being caught all the time I was looking.

There must experience been something in my face, for the nursemaid said : `` What it the matter, what have you been doing to the child ? '' nada. `` Yes, you are coloring up, now severalize me. '' `` Nothing. I have done nada. '' `` You wakened your baby. '' `` No, I have not. '' The girl laid clasp of me, and gave me a little shake. `` I 'll order your mammary gland if you do n't recount me, what is it now ? '' `` No, I have done nothing, I was looking out of the window when she began to cry. '' `` You 're telling a story, I see you are, '' said the nursemaid ; and off I went, after being impudent to her.

I told Fred and he tried the like dodge, but do n't retrieve whether he succeeded or not. His babe were somewhat older, and we began to scheme how to see their cunt, when I was on a visit to his mother 's ( my aunt, ) which was to fall off in the holidays. The flavour of the petty child 's puss, as I described it, convinced him that the picture was correct, and that a cunt was a foresighted twat, and not a round muddle. That cast incertitude on males putting their tool into them, and we clung somehow to the idea of a round hollow, and we quarrelled about it.

It must have been about this time, that I was walking with my father, and say something that was written with chalk, on the walls. I asked him what it meant. He said he did not sleep with, that none but low people, and blackguards wrote on rampart ; and it was not worth while noticing such things. I was witting that I had done wrong somehow, but did not know exactly what. When I went out, which I was now allowed to do for short space by myself, I copied what was on the wall, to severalise Fred, it was foul, baudy language of some sort, but the only thing we understood at all, was the Book cunt.

Just then, being out with some son, we saw two frump fucking. I have no recollection of seeing wiener doing that before. We closed snipe them, yelling with delight as they stuck rump to rump, then one boy said that was what men and cleaning woman did, and I asked, did they baffle together so, a boy replied that they did ; others denied it, and all the residual of the day, some of us discussed this ; the feeling left on my mind is, that it appeared to be very nasty ; but it seemed at the same prison term to confirm me in the belief, that men put their SOB up into women 's maw, about which I seemed at that clip to have grave doubts.

After this time my recollection of effect is clean-cut, and I can tell not only what took spot, but better what I heard, said, and thought .